“Somewhere between work, responsibilities, and years passing, I slowly became someone I never meant to be.”
Yesterday, while driving for hours, my mind went somewhere it hasn’t gone in a long time, who I became and why. One question kept coming back: Why do we resist change so much, even when we know the way we are is hurting us? And then it hit me. Sometimes we don’t resist change. Sometimes we already changed, but into someone we were never meant to become.
I wasn’t always this way. There was a time I was calmer. Always smiling. More patient. Less reactive.
But life doesn’t change us in one dramatic event. It happens slowly. Quietly. Incident after incident.
It started back in school. We weren’t well-off. I was great in studies and sincere, but there were subtle comments, comparisons, and being looked at as “less than.” It was nothing dramatic, but it stayed with me. Then several moments later in life came when I didn’t speak up when I should have. I carried that guilt for years. I replay it whenever things don’t go as planned. And without realizing it, I made a silent rule: I will never stay quiet again.
It sounded like strength. But what I actually did was swing to the other extreme. I became impatient. Quick to react. Quick to defend. Quick to speak. I thought I had become strong. But many personal and professional relationships began getting strained.
All these years, I thought I was just being disciplined and strong. But today I saw something deeper. And my behavior wasn’t random. It came from something I had been living by without knowing: high expectations for myself, with no emotional forgiveness for my past self. And deep down, it was my choice, but I’m still reluctant to accept that it was my choice.
I always set a high bar. I wanted to be fair, mature, capable, someone who does the right thing. That part is good. But beneath that was a constant inner voice: You should have known better. You shouldn’t have stayed silent then. Don’t make that mistake again.
I wasn’t just growing. I was self-monitoring. Self-correcting. Self-judging. That inner pressure slowly turned into impatience. Irritation. Overreaction. Not because I was a bad person, but because I was living in a try-to-know-it-all mode, not peace mode.
All this time, I said I wanted peace. I wrote goals. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want jealousy. I want calmness. I want inner peace.
But underneath all those goals, I was still holding onto the past. Still punishing myself for one version of me who didn’t act. Still trying to compensate.
I wasn’t living in the present. I was reacting to old wounds. No wonder peace never came. You can’t plant calmness on top of unresolved guilt.
While driving yesterday, one thought felt different. What happened… happened.
Maybe I should have spoken up. Maybe not. But everyone involved has moved on. My life turned out well. I have skills. Stability. Family. Growth. So why am I the only one still carrying punishment? Why am I spoiling my future because of something that already ended?
It had always been my choice – which meant I could choose differently now. For the first time, I didn’t analyze it. I didn’t justify it. I just felt this: I don’t have to wait for another big event to change. I can decide today. Not because someone is forcing me, but because I am choosing to let go of an old identity.
From today, I don’t need to compensate for the past. I don’t need to prove I can speak up. I don’t need guilt as motivation. I don’t need to judge myself to grow. People can judge me. That’s fine. But I don’t have to judge them. And I don’t have to judge myself anymore.
I know my strengths. I know my capability. I know who I am. I can be calm and still be strong. I can be kind and still have boundaries. I can let go and still grow.
We think change needs a big trigger. A loss. A failure. A crisis. But sometimes change happens quietly — on a long drive, in a moment of honest reflection, when you finally forgive your past self.
Maybe the real resistance to change is this: we are not ready to let go of the version of us built for survival.
We are probably unnecessarily complicating life by saying habits cannot be changed. If I go back into my own past, I’ve always added new habits and let go of old habits, both unconsciously and consciously. If that’s the case, let me live the way I want to without being bound by past experiences.
It is a choice, and it will become a new habit.
Today, I did. And for the first time, peace doesn’t feel like a goal. It feels like something I stopped blocking.