Why I Keep My Distance
I’ve always been the type who keeps things inside. People can tell I’m a bit distant, even though it’s not apparent. They notice how I choose my words carefully and try to control my feelings. Others can sense my mood—good or bad—without me saying anything. When talking to people, I smile and genuinely interested in topic. But inside, I’m always watching, thinking, and careful about what I say.
You know what’s funny? I can’t remember the last time I had a real, full-hearted laugh—probably 20 years back. Maybe during my college days. Somewhere along the way, I started keeping my guard up, and now I can’t just laugh freely like I used to. Every smile, every reaction—it’s all planned. The carefree joy I used to feel, like returning from midnight movies with friends or playing cricket in the streets, that’s gone now.
The Daily Struggle
It’s tiring living like this. Inside, I might be upset or sad, but outside, I stay calm and composed. I’ve trained myself to stay steady when there’s tension at home or problems at work. Some people say this is good self-control; others think I’m just wearing a mask. Honestly, I don’t know who’s right.
Standing Up for What I Believe
Even though I control my emotions, I’m firm about my beliefs. I become very direct when someone disagrees with things I care about—like family values, work ethics, or my vision for the work I do —not because I’m angry but because I believe strongly in these things. But people often take it the wrong way. When I disagree with ideas, they feel I’m rejecting them personally. My straightforward way of talking makes them think I’m being hostile.
Looking for Real Connections
It’s not that I don’t like people—I want meaningful conversations instead of time-passing chatting. I tend to get quiet when people start talking about movies or cricket scores. I’m always careful about what I say to avoid problems later. I avoid casual gossip or silly talk, which might make me look less severe.
Being a Role Model
A lot of this comes from wanting to be a good example, especially for my kids. How can I tell them to be thoughtful if I’m not? How can I teach them discipline if I don’t show it myself? At work, too, I want to be someone my team can depend on. This means staying calm, being precise, and always doing the right thing. Anything less feels like I’m not doing enough.
Always Trying to Be Better
I believe in making the most of every minute. I don’t waste time watching movies or playing games. Instead, I focus on improving myself. But sometimes, this is really heavy. I am always thinking about getting better—spiritually, personally, and at work—and it never stops. But what’s the point of life without trying to grow?
For example, while my family is enjoying a weekend movie in the living room, I’m sitting alone, reflecting on my actions, my words, my progress. But in these moments, a different question arises—what is the point of growing if I’m missing out on family moments? And yet, if I do join them, a nagging thought follows: Did I just spend my time inefficiently, even though it wasn’t?
What Matters Most
While I know relationships are important, they’re not my top priority. My list goes like this:
- Managing my inner self
- Taking care of family
- Following my goals
- Keeping close friends
- Growing in career
- Other relationships
But I realize good relationships need time and attention, not just efficiency.
The Fight Inside
I’m always struggling between:
- Wanting to connect with people vs needing to stay in control
- Wanting people to understand me vs being afraid to show my real self
- Knowing relationships matter vs not wanting to change my priorities
Questions I Ask Myself
I wonder if being so guarded is actually good for me:
- Is there a better way to balance everything?
- Is all this pressure affecting my health?
- Am I focusing on the right things?
- While being a good example for my children is important, aren’t happy moments with them just as important?
- Am I so busy chasing success that I’m missing out on happiness?
- Have I forgotten what it means to really live by my values?
I haven’t found answers yet, but I need to keep thinking about these questions. As Lord Buddha taught, it may be time to find a middle path.